Investment - Ch. 8 pg. 198.

The book says...

• Investments are the things that "we put into relationships that we couldn't retrieve if the relationship were to end."
• "Investments can't be recovered, so the only way to reap the benefits of our [them] is to stick with a relationship"; to leave is to lose the investment we've made.
• Sensing "equality of investment affects satisfaction with romantic relationships"; sensing unfairness of investment slowly destroys satisfaction and communication in romantic relationships.

How I understand the concept...

• Investments aren't just money you put into a business or shares of stock. You can invest in people as well.
• There's so much that we put into relationships, especially serious ones. It's as if we're planting a seed. We care and nurture it to reap the harvest. Same goes for relationships that we invest in. The investment is the caring and nurturing, and sticking to the relationship is where we reap the harvest.
• If we leave the relationship all of our investment goes down the drain. We can't get the time, money, emotions, etc back.
• If both partakers of the relationship feel that they're investing equally into their relationship, they'll both be satisfied. However, if one of the partakers feel as if they're putting in more investment than the other they'll be unsatisfied and that's where conflicts will occurr.

Application to my life...

• I apply this concept to my life by investing in relationships (friendships, romantic relationships, etc), only if I feel that we both can reap some sort of benefit from each other. Like if we both better each other.
• For example:  I dated this one guy for a year and a half before I finally had to break it off. He said he loved me, but he wouldn't put anything in the relationship. I gave so much (always accommodating him, doing things for him, etc.) but he didn't do the same for me. It was like a one-way street with him, and I felt like I was bettering him, but he wasn't bettering me.

Additional info...

This is a happy couple, or at least they appear to be happy. It seems as if they both equally invest in their relationship to keep the other happy. If one wasn't happy they wouldn't be investing equally.

Respect What Others Say about Their Feelings and Thoughts

The book...

• says that it's rare that we ever completely grasp what another person feels or thinks. 
• states that it's very important for us "not to assume we understand people from other cultures & distinct communities within our society.
• mentions "effective communicators don't dispute or disparage what others say about what they feel & think." We should respect what others think & feel; it helps us hit a cornerstone in effective interpersonal communication.

How I understand the concept...

• We can NOT assume that we understand what people think or how they feel. (Assuming makes an ASS out of U & ME.)
• Everyone is unique in their own way. Everybody's different; nobody thinks the same, feels the same, etc. So it's disrespectful for us to try to talk people out of how they feel, or force our thoughts & feelings upon.
• People come from so many different cultures, there's no way we can understand exactly what they go through, unless we too are just like them. (e.g. A white person will never understand certain things a black person goes through, & vice versa.)

Application to my life...

How I apply this concept to my life is to be slow to judge.

For example: You know the famous saying "You can't judge a book by it's cover."? Well I try my best to live by that. It really helps me to keep an open mind, and accept people for who they truly are. I feel that we have no right to judge anybody in this world at all. We aren't God. Like Tupac said, "Only God can judge me." By not judging others, I keep an open mind & am able to respect others' thoughts & feelings.

 Additional Info...

 

Lyrics from Only God Can Judge Me:

Only God can judge me, is that right?
Only God can judge me now
Only God baby, nobody else, nobody else

Own Your Feeling and Thoughts

The book...

• states that our feelings & thoughts can sometimes be obscured by the way we use language; we twist "our responsibility for how we feel & what we think."
• tells us that by using statements like "You're so demanding" or "You make me mad", we sometimes put the "blame [on] others for our responses to what they say."
• conveys that "we, not others, are responsible for our feelings." By telling others that they make us feel a certain way, we put the responsibility on them & we deny the responsibility as our own.

How I understand the concept...

• How we take what others say to us may cause us to feel certain ways & think certain things, they don't directly cause our responses.
• We must take responsibility of our feelings, we can't blame others for our emotions.
• By owning up to our thoughts & feelings we are able to address our emotions & deal with them before they get out of control, most of the time.

Application to my life...

I think I might be struggling with this concept. Or I might not be. Actually, I'm not quite sure.

For example: I never tell anybody "You make me mad!" I never start off how I'm feeling with "You..." I just simply state "I'm mad" or "I'm hurt". By doing that I'm not verbally blaming another person for how I'm feeling. But I think on the inside I kind of harbor on the fact that another person made me feel that way. When it comes to feelings I don't really like to discuss them, like the deep emotional kind. That's where I struggle. I just keep them pushed down on the inside. To practice this concept in a healthy way I need to not push down my emotions. Instead I have to get them out in some way, shape, or form. By talking about them, writing them out, or some way that will be good for me.

 Additional Info...

This person used humor as a way for them not to deal with their thoughts & feelings. He didn't fully own up to their emotions. I say fully because they did bring the topic of their feelings up, but they didn't express them.

Engage in Dual Perspective.

The book...

• defines dual perspective as the "understanding of both our own & another person's perspective, beliefs, thoughts, or feelings."
• tells us that when we adopt this concept we not only understand the person, but also show them respect.
• says if someone can't take the perspectives of others they are egocentric, meaning "they impose their perceptions on others and interpret others' experiences through their own eyes."

How I understand the Concept...

• Not everybody thinks the same way. We all view things differently, and in order to have a dual perspective we must realize how a person thinks & feels about a situation.
• In order for us to fully master this concept, we can't force our perceptions on the other person, even if we see things differently.
• We have to keep an open mind.

Application to my life...

How I apply this concept to my life is to just have an open mind. If I'm closed minded I allow myself to not be able to understand what another person is going through.

For example: I'm good at math, but I have a friend who isn't. She comes to me with problems that she needs help solving, & I do my best to break the steps down to where she can understand them. If she came to me with a question & my answer to her was "Oh my gosh! That's so easy. This is a silly question." I would be failing to see how she sees math, and in a way I could be lowering her self-esteem when it comes to math. By actually helping her & understanding how she views math, I practice the concept of engaging in dual perspective.

Additional Info...

This is Pon & Zi. Pon could have came to Zi & judged her because she had the underwear on her head, but instead he grabbed some too & put them on his head. He was seeing things through her eyes, thus engaging in dual perspective.